Appendix? Who needs an Appendix?

So, this last weekend I was coming off of one of the singularly most stressful weeks of my life (don't feel bad for me, I signed up for it. ) and by Friday I was really not feeling well.
I went to bed by 8 pm (totally unheard of for me) and woke up at 2 am feeling like I had been shot in the stomach. I gimped around the house and begged my kids to be quiet all day while I tried every thing under the sun to make my stomach feel better. Nothing worked and by 3 pm Aaron was begging me to go to the doctors. I finally caved in and called my friend Kate to see if she would take me to the Urgent Care Clinic. She picked me up and pulled an over ride and took me straight to the ER. A quick and very awkward CT scan (if you're already throwing up they can't give you the contrast dye orally. I learned that what can't go down can certainly go up sometimes ) showed that my appendix was not doing too hot and needed to leave. About an hour later I was crawling on the operating table. I remember the anesthesiologist (who was very handsome in my delirium) saying," I'm just going to have you calm down a little and take some deep breaths. I have a little extra versed for you today." The next thing I remember was waking up with three hot pokers in my stomach. Who says laporoscopic surgery feels better?!? Nurse Ratchet?
I was poking around on line to find images of the surgery to show Aaron and I came across this. I was laughing so hard I almost popped some stitches.
A few more days and I should be fine. I better. I'm almost out of pain pills and reasons to not do homework or housework.
In all reality I'm blessed by great friends and family. My sister was upset because she couldn't be here to help, my brother made me laugh when he asked how the doctors got confused and took my appendix out instead of giving me boobs. (thanks, but I'll pass. This hospital experience better be the last one I have until I'm dead. Then I don't care what they are taking in or out of my body.)
My friend Holly turned her house into a hospice and took such good care of me. My boys had more fun at the Patton's house than they have ever had at their own. They came home with stories of finding a mine but not being able to get into it without a chainsaw so they were going back this weekend to do it... I let that one pass over me and pretended like I was sleeping. I came home and my house was spotless (no small feat) and my laundry was done. (those of you who truly know me and my adversion to laundry can take pity on the poor soul who did it for me). We have had better food brought in than what I can ever cook and most of all, I am indebted to a lot of great people who helped me when there was no obligation for them to do so.

Do it Yourself Appendectomy

By Sharon Grehan -Howes

There are hundreds of ways to save money by doing it yourself. This month it's fun for the whole family!

What you will need:

• A kitchen table or reasonably clean floor.
• 2 Tablecloths (plastic is recommended)
• 1 forceps or BBQ tongs
• Rubber gloves
• I scalpel or the good scissors.
• Curling iron or Hot Glue Gun
• 
  Hydrocodone combinations (such as Lortab, Vicodin) Morphine. Bolus with 2 to 10 mg over 20 to 30 minutes. or
• I bottle 80 proof vodka.
• Vacuum cleaner

The Diagnosis: appendicitis symptoms include: high fever, pain in the right side of the abdomen, nausea, vomiting, constipation inability to pass gas, or if the patient just looks peaked.

Preparation:Have the patient drink four glasses of vodka, straight is preferred
but a dash of vermouth never killed anyone.Take a swig yourself as a steady hand is essential. Have the patient strip to their skivvies and cover them with a tablecloth. Swab the stomach with the vodka and poke.
When the patient yells the loudest mark the area with a laundry marker.

The Operation:With the scalpel make a 3 inch gash in the lower abdomen, splitting the abdominal muscles on the lower right. If using the good scissors make sure they are not pinking shears, otherwise it is very messy and time consuming. Separate the skin (this is where children come in handy, but their little hands must be peanut butter and jelly free!)

What to Look For:
The appendix is a small finger of intestinal tissue protruding from the area near the junction of the small and large bowels.

Isolate the appendix, cut it free and remove it. ( A special note of caution don't allow your dog in the room) Close the intestine, cauterize with a curling iron or hot glue gun. Have a peek just in case anything else doesn't look right, if something looks weird,you might as well remove it while you're in there. Take care however not to remove the lower intestine or the small and large bowels, because the patient will probably need them. Anything else however can go.

With the vacuum, suction any fluid or pus. (Very gross, but think of the money you've saved!)

Sew up the tummy with a neat cross stitch and you're done!

Special Note: If the patient develops a high fever or is hemorrhaging. bundle them in the car (being careful to remove any id) drop them behind a convenience store and call 911